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wierdest dream for me ever. 

my ex gave me his credit card and brought me to a high end retail store and told me to get anything i wanted (at this point we’ve already broke up). and out of disgust i set my mind to buy the most expensive things and my mom was there as well. but i couldn’t bring myself to do it and couldn’t do that to someone. his father called my mom and screamed at her telling me to get away from his son and that if we wanted to hurt him, might as well buy all the most expensive things. in my head in the dream “ang kapal, he is the one who keeps following me around even though i don’t want him to” and then it transitioned to this part where i was on a boat and he was on another boat five miles away, but i could still see him. i told the driver to make it faster and he jumped off his boat and swam as fast as he could and actually caught up with me and when he got on the boat i woke up. 

i think i compartamentalize and forget about emotional pain. 

if i were to act and i were asked to feel pain of being left behind, i don’t think i will be able to make it surface unless i was made to feel it. 

i think this person wanted to feel like harry potter

i think this person wanted to feel like harry potter

(Source: hogwartianos)


why do i feel as though i’m being left behind.

im currently watching this protege reality show in the philippines and how they are all close to my age. This show is not like most shows in which they give you an inside look in their everyday lives and the problems that occur.

The problems these “kids” have with each other or themselves and the obstacles they face are exposed to the whole world. It also exposes how easily they can observe and analyze the situations in order to come up with a solution. It has come to my attention how grown up these “kids” are.

It scares me how mature and advanced the way these “kids” think

 my mind is still wanting to hold on to childhood. Wanting to be protected. perhaps having things done for me since up to now, my family’s performance in completing their duties seems unparalleled. because i can’t do them well and have no confidence in doing them well.  

My body is aging.

the world is moving on

and i don’t feel as though i’m growing up to become the person i want to be.

Kakaiba siguro lumake sa pilipinas. i wish i did. i don’t care abt the stress. i feel as if i would have been better off. morally and in terms of work ethic.

But i accept what has happened and i just need to make do and do the best i can with what i have and am capable of.

lord help me.

The One Consistent Hobby in My Life - Singing <3

so glad i started glee club…but completely regretful that i can’t be a part of performances in its future events.

i want to hurry up and catch up to my older siblings and sing as well as they can so i can finally join them in their performances. i’m only always watching in the front row.

and sing along with rk without trouble.


Photo Courtesy: jeaannguyen

The taste of sweet coffee will now always remind me of being held sweetly.

That night made me realize something. I will never forget that feeling.i loved it. Being held by a guy. it left me wanting more. Is this what they call a sensual awakening? i guess so. i mean, i AM a teenager with hormones raging like crazy. i have to admit that it kind of sounds like i did THAT, but no. I didn’t. I only want to experience THAT with the person who i’m going to spend the rest of my life with and love wholeheartedly. I am content with just hugging.

I’m not saying that i would let just anybody hold me that way. NO. In fact this has just added to my reasons for wanting a man beside me. to hold me. love me. i would reciprocate. I guess that means that i have to limit the hugs i give to my guy friends. I don’t want to give them the wrong idea. if that would make me look like a lesbian because i’m hugging my friends who are girls more often, then so be it. I am comfortable with my sexuality and know that i am very into men.

I hope that i find a great guy , like the person who has made me aware of arousal ,so that i can touch only him in this way. BUT i have a feeling that it would never happen for me any time soon. The last semester of my high school career is almost over. hehe. but i guess it’s ok. i just wanted to have a little taste of going out on dates, the first kiss, buying each other presents, going over to each other’s houses and hanging out with each other’s family while i was inin high school. But i know for sure that it will happen for me someday. i just don’t know when. im guessing when i stop looking for one and immerse myself into something else. That’s what always happens. I guess because people are attracted to People that are attracted to something else entirely. They would be able to see the person release themselves and see that dedication..

But in any case, being careful is very important. i guess now i know why my parents keep fussing about me hugging guys. lol.


Photo Courtesy: givethemhelldarling

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