Ghost

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Interpretation of my dream

Last night i had a dream that i had a deep connection with this person i’ve never met before. It was the kind of bond that i always wanted with friends. in the very last scene before i woke up, i was laying down on his lap and we were talking. he was asking me about what i drank since my lips looked like a bright red color. i told him that it was juice from a fruit that in my dream was rare and i told him that we had a tree growing in our back yard. Then there was a pause and we were looking into each other’s eyes. His eyes and his face was just handsome. he started to lean in closer and closer and stops and whispers something along the lines of “that fruit may be rare, but you and your lips are even more so since they are the only ones in this planet.” as our lips touched and he kissed me softly, i pushed him away and told him no.

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looked up what this meant and apparently when a stranger kisses you it means that there is some crucial aspect of your character that you need to get to know. and when a close friend kisses you it means that there is something in your life is missing. 

so analyzing this dream, since the guy felt like a close friend and was a complete stranger in which ive never seen this gorgeous man, it must mean that that bond i had with this stranger is missing from my life and i desire it to be present. In order to achieve that, i have something in myself that is yet to be discovered and pushing him away means that i may not be ready to know what it is or perhaps im too blind to see it.

i dont understand how she connected with every single person so easily. 

when she walks in the room, everyone acknowledges her presence. i don’t understand  how i’m having a hard time with that. i thought i made ppl feel welcome? apparently not. 

Nandito ako.

MAYROON AKONG NAIS MALAMAN

MAARI BANG MAGTANONG. 

ALAM MO BANG MATAGAL NA KITANG INIIBIG

MATAGAL NA KONG NAGHIHINTAY

NGUNIT MAYROON KANG IBANG MINAMAHAL

KUNG KAYAT AKOY DI MO PINAPANSIN

NGUNIT GANUNG PA MAN NAIS KONG MALAMAN MO

ANG PUSO KONG ITOY PARA LANG SAIYO

 NANDITO AKO UMIIBIG SAYO 

KAHIT NA NAG DUDUGO ANG PUSO 

KUNG SAKALING IWANAN KA NIYA 

WAG KANG MAGALALA MAY NAG MAMAHAL SAIYO 

NANDITO AKO. 

grabe. when was the last time someone has said something like this to me. and vice versa. siguro i need to rethink what i value .  

Awkward.

"one of your greatest talents is that you can make people feel welcome and comfortable around you. you can attract people" - dad

why do i feel as though that’s not the case? As if my efforts have the opposite effect. why do i feel this way when talking to strangers/acquaintances who are clearly having a good time with each other. i feel as if i’m a disturbance in their force that’s trying to singit singit in their circle of comfortability. Even though all i want for them is to be comfortable around me, why can’t i help but feel like they can’t? i don’t understand how to make people feel comfortable talking to me. why does it come so easy for my other siblings? i feel like it goes under and reinforces the category “shallow” 

wierdest dream for me ever. 

my ex gave me his credit card and brought me to a high end retail store and told me to get anything i wanted (at this point we’ve already broke up). and out of disgust i set my mind to buy the most expensive things and my mom was there as well. but i couldn’t bring myself to do it and couldn’t do that to someone. his father called my mom and screamed at her telling me to get away from his son and that if we wanted to hurt him, might as well buy all the most expensive things. in my head in the dream “ang kapal, he is the one who keeps following me around even though i don’t want him to” and then it transitioned to this part where i was on a boat and he was on another boat five miles away, but i could still see him. i told the driver to make it faster and he jumped off his boat and swam as fast as he could and actually caught up with me and when he got on the boat i woke up. 

i think i compartamentalize and forget about emotional pain. 

if i were to act and i were asked to feel pain of being left behind, i don’t think i will be able to make it surface unless i was made to feel it. 

i think this person wanted to feel like harry potter

i think this person wanted to feel like harry potter

(Source: hogwartianos)

GUESS I NEVER LOVED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

why do i feel as though i’m being left behind.

im currently watching this protege reality show in the philippines and how they are all close to my age. This show is not like most shows in which they give you an inside look in their everyday lives and the problems that occur.

The problems these “kids” have with each other or themselves and the obstacles they face are exposed to the whole world. It also exposes how easily they can observe and analyze the situations in order to come up with a solution. It has come to my attention how grown up these “kids” are.

It scares me how mature and advanced the way these “kids” think

 my mind is still wanting to hold on to childhood. Wanting to be protected. perhaps having things done for me since up to now, my family’s performance in completing their duties seems unparalleled. because i can’t do them well and have no confidence in doing them well.  

My body is aging.

the world is moving on

and i don’t feel as though i’m growing up to become the person i want to be.

Kakaiba siguro lumake sa pilipinas. i wish i did. i don’t care abt the stress. i feel as if i would have been better off. morally and in terms of work ethic.

But i accept what has happened and i just need to make do and do the best i can with what i have and am capable of.

lord help me.

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